Wow it has been a long time since I've posted something!!!! With all that has been going on in our lives over the past several months and weeks some things that I enjoy doing have fallen by the wayside. One of those being jotting down the things that God is speaking to me about. I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore or not but that is okay I feel like tonight spitting out what is going on in my mind, even though it is late.
As most of you know Paul's aunt died this past week. And I am left with so many mixed emotions. I'm sure they are all normal but it is easy to feel like I am beginning to get swallowed up in them. Last week when these feeling would come I had to push them down, there was no time to get swallowed up in all these feelings. Today they all came out gushing to the surface. A 10 year old child is left without a mom, my mother and father in law now have to raise a 10 year old who has a lot of issues, and it is not going to be an easy task, my kids now do not have the undivided attention they once got from their grandparents. Life from here on out will be different. I try not to be selfish and think about how much this effect me and my kids, and try to remember that a young child is now motherless and the years that are supposed to be the best for my in laws have been taken away from them. I want to be mad at someone, i want to blame someone, but there is no one to blame!!! It is no one's fault!
God knows what He is doing! I can not believe anything else. The enemy want me to get so wrapped up in the "why me" mind set so that I will start to be bitter and maybe even resent God for allowing this to happen, but I can not allow myself to believe anything else but GOD IS GOOD, and He knows what He is doing, He is in control!!!! The devil does not get the final move, God does and I know that we come out on top every time.
It feels like since I have been home from Africa, we have gone through some of the most challenging and difficult situations that we have ever been through. The enemy is trying to defeat us and bring us down, and at times I do want to throw my hands up and say " I GIVE UP! I can not do this anymore, this is to hard" But at the same time my spirit reminds me that God is good, at times when my mind, my will, and my emotions want to take over it is my spirit that is full of the living God that pulls me up and reminds me that God is good, He is in control, and I can trust Him. He will not let me sink. Life is not easy, life for our family just got a little more complicated, God does not promise an easy life without trials and hard times but He does promise us to give us His strength to weather any storm. He promises peace, and He promises to lift us up with His mighty hand. So life is not a matter of learning how to tread the deep water we are in, but to learn how to float with Jesus being the life preserver around us. I can get really tired treading water after a while especially with extra weight on my back, but if I have something to hold on to that floats I can handle the extra weight because it is not me that is holding myself up.
God is in control of everything we go through. Plain and simple He is in control, and He works out all things for the good of His people. No matter what happens in our lives it does not change the fact that God is good. I heard someone say once "we worship God cause of who He is, not cause of what He's does for us." and we can take "worship" and replace it with "trust." We can trust him because of WHO HE IS!!!


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